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Friday, June 22, 2012

THINGS (some) CHURCH FOLK DO WHEN THEY THINK NOBODY IS LOOKING


1. Play the most offensive or otherwise ignorant music as loud as possible in the privacy of their car or home.

2. Dirty dance.  Chuuuch folk love to dance. But some of y'all do more than "holy" dance.

3. Sing or rap to secular music.  When home alone, you can find the most saved saint singing Marvin Gaye or Whitney or rapping to Lil Wayne at the top of their lungs.

4. Watch Twerk Team or impure videos.  [especially those young'ns]

5. Eat an entire box of fried chicken, washed down with soda or Kool-Aid and then complain, "Girl, I don't know why I can't lose this weight; I tried errrythaang."

6. Pretend they're not at home when Pastor or other saints call.

7. Go on Twitter, Facebook and talk about other members.   

8. Talk about how racist white people are, and how they don’t get it.

9. Play Spades smoke weed, gamble, drink and cuss with their unsaved friends. 

10. Beat their kids like Zab Judah, something I don’t;agree with.  Also, chuuch mothers have this thing called the Angry Whisper — it’s basically when she sends you death threats through her teeth.

11. Stare at people’s butts when they go up to the altar – both men and women do this.   

12. Argue or fight with other saints or "hate" other believers.  We’re just a spirited bunch, we actually love each other.

13. Put on the mean grill at work: can’t let them ever think I enjoy working here.

14. Locate, identify, and alert their unsaved friends of the presence of the authorities.  Jamie: “There go the police.”  Tyreke: “WHERE?!”  Jamie: “You being mad obvious right now, don’t look.”

15. Tell dirty jokes around their unsaved friends or when the door is locked.

16. Throw away bills.  Viacom can kiss my black… moving right along.

17. Make personal phone calls on their work phone. And get mad when a colleague has the audacity to interrupt them with actual work.

18. Make up new code words and slang to use with their friends.  White people stole our swag.

19. Call on their momma instead of Jesus for advice.

20. Pretend like they're playing a sport.  For example, balling up a piece of paper, tossing it in the trash, yelling "KOBE!" 

21. Help out a the church picnic or social so they can eat all they can eat.

22. Make a subtle, sexy fashion statement by wearing a lace camisole or fishnets under their choir robe.

23. Hook up their friends with stuff they stole from work.

24. Snap jokes about other church members. "Now she know she too old for that short dress."

25. Grease up the body with cocoa butter, Shea butter or Vaseline and then want to give you a greasy handshake.

26. Put a dollar in the tithes envelope when they KNOW they can give more.

27. Tell stories with one word. For example, “How was service last night?” is responded to by saying, “Chile…”or “Umph…”

28. Secretly lust after a sister or brother in the body or even the pastor.  "Girl, Bro. Kenny sho is fine!"

29. Take a nap during service.

30. Try to hide these things in hopes that Pastor or Jesus won't find out. 

THINGS FEMALES DO ON FACEBOOK


Holly's Things Females Love to Do on Facebook:aa-woman-computer-on-bed
Check out MY list below and let me know if you are guilty as charged
1. Invent middle names that declare their alterego of the moment such as Keisha blessedandbeautiful Johnson or T’Andrea OhSoClassssssy Washington….
2. Complain about their enemies without actually naming the person, knowing that the offender will read the status: “It’s sad how some people are SO PETTY and can’t mind their OWN BUSINESS. I’m gonna pra…y for them because they need Jesus.”
3. Transform into social media ministers by posting bible verses or just making up inspirational quotes. “Men are like a box of Goobers. They seem sweet at first but they’re really just a bunch of nuts. 

4. Use their Facebook status updates to yell at the stars of Real Housewives of Atlanta, Basketball Wives or Love & Hip Hop. (You know NeNe can’t “hear” you, right?)




5. Post pictures of their new hairstyles in front of the bathroom mirror and other photos to document their “natural hair journey.” 

7. Stalk ex boyfriends or stalk current boyfriends which is called “research.”
8. Declare there are no good men left anywhere on the planet Earth.
9. Pretend to be in relationships with celebrities. “Did you see my husband Kobe out there?” “About to watch my boo Idris in this new movie…”

10. Ask for help with such life-changing decisions as “Should I cook Oodles of Noodles or Hamburger Helper for dinner?”
11. Make a statement like “I’m SO pissed right now!” to get sympathy in comments, but  refuse to explain why.
12. Providing play-by-play of every menial task on their to-do list: “Today I have to go to the bank, then go do this laundry, and pick up some bobby pins from Walgreens…”